Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Cosmocking: July '13!


Pinkish cover!  Kelly Osbourne!  Apparently Cosmo feels that tracheas and neck muscles are really unbecoming, this is the zillionth cover in a row where they've Photoshopped all the features off someone's neck!  (Look at the pendant. It's in the center of her chest. Now try to find the center of her throat.)  "Are you too self-obsessed"?  Take a quiz where you answer questions about yourself to find this out about yourself!
Because I have to report a lot of quotes from guys for our stories, one of the first things I did on the job [as a Cosmo writer] was put together a huge e-mail list of every guy I've ever known.  Then I started bombarding their in-boxes with totally TMI questions. ("Happy Monday! What's your favorite sex position?")
Every guy she's ever known?  Gah!  I'm guessing "how important are personal boundaries to you?" wasn't one of the questions.

Also, I just went through my address list for all the men, and a distressing number of them were either relatives or people I have a purely professional relationship with.  If I tried mass e-mailing all the male names, I'd probably end up sending "When do you think is 'too soon' for anal sex?" to my dentist.
"I love bringing guys to my summerhouse to have sex on the lake in this small kayak. The smooth rock of the boat adds unexpected movement, so every feeling is like a shock of pleasure."
I don't think Cosmo knows what a kayak is.


This is a kayak.  Now, granted, I'm sure the ideal Cosmo woman is far smaller and more flexible than I am, but still, I don't see any way that's going to work.

Anyway, I know kayak sex can't be done, because I looked for pictures of it, and I couldn't find any.   If there isn't a picture of a sex act on the Internet, it is physically impossible.
Recently, I jokingly asked my boyfriend which of my friends he'd want to hook up with if he and I weren't together. It took some convincing for him to answer, but he eventually said my best friend. I know I pushed him to answer, but now I'm worried he actually wants to hook up with her, and I'm a little resentful of my friend. Am I being a little too paranoid?
Oh for God's sake.

The troubling thing here is that Cosmo fakes all their "reader-submitted" content, so someone sat down and wrote this, and what they chose to write is the most groaningly misogynistic "women are clingy and fickle and everything they say is secretly a trap" stereotype imaginable.  Yeah, you can argue it's just this one character, nobody said all women are like that, but... this is one step away from "Dear Cosmo, I become unreasonable when I'm on my period and sometimes I deny guys sex just to amuse myself. Also I cry when I break a nail. Please advise."
[When you're traveling alone] Before you even up your hotel-room door, glance over your shoulder to make sure no one sees you enter alone--you want as few people as possible knowing you're there by yourself. If there's someone in the hallway, keep walking and loop back in a few.
And if the other person's room is at the end of the hallway you walk down, that's going to get really awkward.  Maybe she could just walk in and yell "HI HONEY I'M BACK, HOW WAS YOUR KRAV MAGA AND WEIGHTLIFTING AND TARGET SHOOTING CLASS?"  That seems like a much more convenient way to keep up the charade that women shouldn't be out of the house any time they aren't under the protection of a big strong man.
[On a travel first aid kit, because remember, the outside world is scaaaary]: Nine lifesavers. Zero chance of you in a foreign pharmacy, trying to pronounce "diarrhea" in Spanish.
"Diarrhea" in Spanish is "diarrea."


Words that this issue of Cosmo uses:
-Guyeters (guy dieters)
-Friendvy (friend envy)
-Mombomb (being compared to a man's mom)
-Sexercise (*sigh*)
-Breakup-fast (breaking up with someone via carefully arranged breakfast cereal letters)

73 comments:

  1. Breakup-fast? Tell me you made that one up. It's actually funny, and I don't want to live in a world where Cosmo can intentionally make me laugh.

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    1. I didn't make it up. I'm sorry. I hope you can learn to live with this.

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    2. You missed a great opportunity here. You could have spelled out that response in breakfast cereal letters...

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  2. The English word is pronounced /ˌdaɪ.əˈɹiː.ə/ while the Spanish word is pronounced /djaˈre.a/

    Besides, the Spanish word is all foreigny and shit.

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    1. I would enjoy seeing the typical Cosmo reader trying to explain diarrhea with hand gestures...while trying to look sexy and pretending women don't defecate.

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    2. And sucking on some hard candy.

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  3. That was awesome.
    Ever considered making a comedy show out of Cosmocking and going on tour? I could totally see you Cosmocking on The Tonight Show or something :-)

    Thanks for another fabulous post, Cliff!!

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    1. Funny you should mention it, I was at an open mic telling funny sex stories last night. Not Cosmo stories though. Maybe next month...

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    2. Is there footage? That sounds awesome...

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  4. Now that you've not only mentioned kayak-sex but added that it's seemingly never been done, how can we NOT take that as a challenge?

    flightless

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    1. Rule 34... it has got to be out there. Somewhere.

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    2. Maybe they meant a canoe?

      Remembering my past camping experiences, I'm sure that if I tried this a daddy longlegs or a dock spider would show up.

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    3. Looked at it that light, I'm coming to realise that a kayak is basically a large and unusually buoyant chastity belt.

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    4. Hmmm...maybe one of the top sit kayaks?

      (http://img.nauticexpo.com/images_ne/photo-g/sit-on-top-kayak-recreational-touring-kayak-21671-3286383.jpg)

      But, even then, there's no way it'd be stable enough in the water...

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    5. If you built a loose dock-type thing in the lake to stabilise the kayak (but not prevent slight rocking) whilst you had sex on top of it, that might work?

      Otherwise this just ends in both folk capsizing...

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    6. Frilled Shark, that's probably what they meant... I know some people mix up canoes and kayaks. And results do come up if you google "canoe sex".

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  5. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. When my girlfriend disappeared, leaving without even a note, nothing but a handful of Shreddies (TM) on the counter... I was being Broken Up-Fast With. Not sure how to past tense that.

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  6. Hell, even some physically impossible sex acts made it as Internet porn, so yeah, if it's not on there, it's pretty much impossible... and also doesn't look like it actually turns on anyone.

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  7. Uh... "The smooth rock of the boat adds unexpected movement, so every feeling is like a shock of pleasure." If by 'shock of pleasure' they meant 'shock of cold as we flipped over and fell into the water every two seconds', then sure? I've been in kayaks, and besides being small, they are *wobbly* little buggers.

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    1. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT WHEN I READ THAT.

      Seriously. I mean seriously. I'd be too afraid of almost drowning at the slightest movement in a kayak to even consider the possibility of even attempting to have sexual relations in one.

      Canoes and rowboats, totally possible. Kayaks....unless you have it magically suspended somehow.....I don't see it possible...

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    2. Ocean Kayaks have flat bottoms and open tops because they're designed for scuba divers. So theoretically, sex is "possible" in one of these, but good luck getting two people to fit on one and finding that exact balance spot to where you don't both plunge headfirst into a river.

      Drinking and Kayaking though? Excellent combination.

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  8. canoes, however.... http://boston1905.blogspot.com/2008/07/kissing-in-canoes.html

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    1. I know sex in a canoe is possible, I had American beer once.

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    2. Which variety of water gently flavored with hops DID you try? ;)

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  9. This issue actually had a pretty-not-terrible article about rape culture though. I mean, they thought the article was about cyberbullying, and it was definitely about rape culture, but... it's a start!

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  10. I... wow. The pretend kayak sex got to me. I think you have a good rule of thumb there. If there aren't pictures of it and it's sex related, it's likely not possible.. but now I'm curious.

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  11. Kayak sex cracked me up, would love to see someone attempt this.
    But I've been using sexercise for a long time, and I firmly believe that it tones and works me out marvelously for those moments that I don't want to go to a gym.

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    1. They probably meant canoe, though sea kayaks are often open topped, so sex in them would be theoretically possible, if not particularly advisable.

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    2. *laughing*

      I don't know about sexercise, but my gym partner and I use it as incentive to go to the gym before work in the mornings.

      Step 1: meet the person at his/her house

      Step 2: engage in wake-me-up sex

      Step 3: go to the gym & workout

      Step 4: shower at the gym

      Step 5: go to work (after getting dressed of course!)

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    3. You either work later in the day or you must get up ungodly early to fit that all in a morning. Hats off to your awesome time-management skills.

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  12. I think she meant "every guy I've ever known" in the Biblical sense.

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    1. That would explain why all the quotes are completely made up... The staff at Cosmo seems more clueless about sex than the stereotype 13-year old nerd character in every 1980's summer camp comedy combined.

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  13. "Anyway, I know kayak sex can't be done, because I looked for pictures of it, and I couldn't find any. If there isn't a picture of a sex act on the Internet, it is physically impossible."

    And that's just the damned truth, really.

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  14. 1. I have googled. There is kayak porn, but it is behind a paywall. There is also mentions of the act in a "dating advice from kayakers" site.

    2. What is it with people who interpret "take steps to ensure your personal safety" as "you must not actually ever take any steps, just BE TOTALLY PARANOID ALL THE TIME AND LIMIT YOUR SOCIAL INTERACTIONS THE WORLD IS SCARY LOL."

    3. I demand someone develop a discipline that combines weightlifting with Krav Maga and practical shooting.

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  15. Re kayak sex - I guess 'see how long you can stay balanced' could be fun, if very short-lived and not very arousing.

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  16. How can you mock this issue and NOT mention "Weird stuff guys think about during sex (even* we were shocked!)"? It sounds like a gold mine.

    Also, I travel alone all the time. I enter hotel rooms all the time without checking my surroundings first. If only I had known! I do, however, second the notion of bringing your own mini-pharmacy with you. Miming applying eye drops or clutching at your stomach groaning are fine ways of communicating with the medical establishment in a country where you don't speak the language, but it's much more reassuring if the medication you're putting in your body has instructions and health & safety information you can actually read.

    * I don't think Cosmo writers should be allowed to use that word in this context, given what they usually find shocking

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    1. Yeah... and trying to buy yeast infection medicine in a foreign country is The Worst. Ain't no miming going to help there.

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    2. As a woman who used to travel alone quite often, including overseas, I'd sum it up as simply being aware of your surroundings and, once you're in your room/car, lock the damn door. Don't leave your room key/drinks/etc. laying around unsupervised. If you're on the ground floor, don't leave your window & drapes open at night or while out of the room. While around others, don't flash expensive jewelry or wallets full of cash; just take what you need. The end. No paranoia. Just common sense for any gender.

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    3. ReanaZ: I'm right there with you.

      Immodium in Prague, Czech Republic. Yeah...

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  17. Howard BannisterJuly 3, 2013 at 10:07 AM

    "-Breakup-fast (breaking up with someone via carefully arranged breakfast cereal letters)"

    ...okay, this sounds like a thing that would happen in a Michael Cera movie. And he'd be hungry and scarf it down fast without realizing what was going on, and she would be out the door, and he would follow her whining about how they were still together, and she would tell all her friends that they broke up and he couldn't handle it, and then...

    I don't actually READ my breakfast cereal, is what I'm saying.

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    1. Maybe they mean arranging the letters into a little message on the counter?

      After all, putting it in the bowl just creates the possibility of misunderstandings. You could put something like:

      FUCK YOU
      RYAN


      And later it's drifted around into:

      FRY YONU
      ACK


      Plus the cereal gets all soggy.

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  18. So the Cosmo revolution ain't quite here yet.

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  19. urban dictionary:
    Kayaking :
    slang for the act of a married woman having lesbian sex with another woman.

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    1. I can picture it now: Clueless cosmo employee reads on some internet forum, people talk about "kayaking", in a way that it's obviously about sex... Cosmo employee, being a sheltered, upper-middle class girl, brought up in a heteronormative (and otherwise normative) environment, can't think of any other explanation than "they're obviously talking about having sex in a kayak". What else could it be?

      And thus a Cosmo article is written.

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  20. Hot photoshopped necks (and other body parts), kayak sex, narcissistic employees perving off everyone else's sex life because their's is non-existent (likely because they're a Cosmo employee), travel paranoia, sexercise (I agree with @cammies on the floor - totally viable workout) and breaking up via your breakfast cereal... I mean, how can I NOT rush out and buy a copy?? This is need-to-know stuff!!

    *sigh* I remain deeply concerned for our future here in the good ol' U.S. of A.

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    1. Cosmo deserves to be mocked, but can we not mock people who lack a sex life, by choice or not, for that fact? And it's probably not even true in this case.

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  21. EsotericNonsenseJuly 3, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    Wow that cover picture really gives me a headache. I hope that's not what is really in fashion now a days.

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  22. /has had sex in a kayak.

    You need one of those big fishing kayaks, though, which is basically just a canoe with pretensions. And you will eventually flip over, regardless.

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    1. I had to come back to reread the comments just to see if anyone has tried or knew someone who has tried/done kayak sex. Thanks!

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    2. Too late by a month, but in a 2-person ocean kayak it just might be feasible. They're pretty big and not too wobbly. Actually when my partner and I got to use one on my birthday (the best gift: getting away from kids & inlaws) we wanted to try if it works; going by the stability properties of our kayak, it might just have. But with the number of mosquitoes that tried to sting us through fairly thick repellent-drenched clothing, we decided against it.

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  23. Does the whole idea of "breakup-fast" sound really mean to anybody else? You go downstairs, maybe thinking everything is fine in your relationship or maybe knowing something isn't great but still hoping things can work out, then you see breakfast all laid out for you and think, "wow, significant other did something nice, clearly everything's shiny." Then you get closer and nope, it's just an elaborate breakup note disguised as a kind act. Could you actually eat after that? How does that affect the rest of your day? For how long is breakfast cereal going to be linked to the pain of a breakup after that?

    Not that there is any pain-free way to break up with someone, but there are still pain-reduced methods. A five-minute conversation in a neutral-feeling space is what most mature adults go for.

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    1. This is actually why I hate the typical idea of a "responsible" breakup - that thing where you do it in person over dinner or whatever. Because as far as my partner knows, everything's fine and I'm asking him out on a date, which he will probably look forward to. And then when he gets there it's like "BAIT AND SWITCH, SUCKA! I CALLED YOU HERE TO END IT!"

      I would definitely do some kind of in-person thing if I were terminating a long-term relationship; in that situation I feel like I kind of owe the person facetime. But if it's someone I've only been seeing for a month or two? I'll drop the hammer via email/text message/whatever. Because it seems mean to make someone spend money on a meal just to hear that I don't like them anymore.

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    2. I'd make a smiley face out of bacon and eggs next to the cereal just to soften the blow a bit and keep the whole situation classy!

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    3. My ex-husband told ... my mother ... that he wanted a divorce from our 10 year marriage.

      Now, that's class.

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    4. ^ My ex asked for his parents' help in moving out of our apartment...two days before he told me he wanted to move out. And to this day I don't think he understands why that was a shitty thing to do.

      Solidarity hugs if you want 'em, Anon.

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  24. I cannot be the only person in the world who thinks the hollow of the throat is one of the loveliest bits of a human body. In whose universe is it something to be Photoshopped away?

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    1. Didn't you hear? The human body is meant to be perfectly smooth everywhere. The hollow of the neck isn't smooth because it dips in at the bottom, hence it is a "wrinkle" in Cosmo-land.

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  25. Oo, my partner couldn't figure out how to communicate diarrhoea to a pharmacist in Mexico, despite having learnt rudimentary Spanish and being pretty good at pronunciation - they were not in a touristy area: in the end they figured it out with gestures (yup, gestures lol), and a little kid in the big queue that had formed came and translated the instructions for them, and everybody clapped. :D

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  26. Regarding the photo-shopped throat thing... are we sure it's photo-shopped? Maybe she just has a very smooth throat? On skinny people you almost always see a lot of detail on the throat, but on some chubbier people the throat sometimes looks very smooth.

    This is one of these moments where I feel that "mocking supposed photo-shop" easily turns into body-snark...

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    1. Judging from other images of her I've found, you could be right, though I can see a pretty clear throat hollow on this one: http://kswt.images.worldnow.com/images/21549915_BG1.jpg . I guess chubbiness factor hadn't occurred to me, as my throat looked pretty much the same at twenty pounds less than I weigh now and at thirty pounds more. But that has to do with the way I personally carry weight.

      Now I'm going to be looking at strangers' necks all day.

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  27. This was very amuzing XD I think I broke a nail whilst laughing :')

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  28. -Breakup-fast (breaking up with someone via carefully arranged breakfast cereal letters)

    I believe that's called a "Dear John Kellogg" letter

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  29. Maybe she could just walk in and yell "HI HONEY I'M BACK, HOW WAS YOUR KRAV MAGA AND WEIGHTLIFTING AND TARGET SHOOTING CLASS?"

    I have nothing to say besides I love this.

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  30. kyak sex (other than a sit on top): they would both have to be at least double amputees, and at least one of them with a very small frame, but it could work. someone would have to be completely under the whatsit of the boat though, and there could be oxygen issues.

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  31. Fantastic blog! The snark, irreverence, mocking the "mockable" with such finesse and oblique skill. Love it. :)

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  32. If there isn't a picture of a sex act on the Internet, it can't be *photoshopped*.

    And who said the kayak had to be in the water, just in the mood.

    Keep on smocking.

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  33. I am so happy to let the whole world know how this powerful spell caster saved my marriage. Everything was going down the drain as my husband can not stop cheating on me with other women. It became used to always heating on me. I tried to make him stop, but I couldn’t help the situation, the more I tried, the harder it becomes. At times we will fight and go apart for some months and we will come back again just because of our kids. One day a friend told me about this spell caster who helped her too, his name is Dr.TEBE she said he uses white magic spells to solve spiritual problems. I decided to give it a try, I contacted him and he told me it will take just 2 to 3 days and I will see great changes in my husband. He actually cast a spell, believe me after 2 to 3 days of the spell, my husband was confessing different names of woman he has slept with. He begged for forgiveness and never to try it again. From that day till now, my mind is at rest. My husband dislike every other women on earth except me. And am so happy to have him for myself alone. The spell caster’s contact is greattebespelltemple@gmail.com You can contact him for any help, he is very powerful and kind

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    1. Maybe I'm just loopy from painkiller right now, but that is some of the most hilarious (yet sad) WTF spam I've seen in a while. I have to admit, though, it's got a lot more pizzazz than just saying, "So this guy I play D&D with is an awesome marriage counselor..."

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    2. Most fascinating spam ever. What kind of white magic? Were there dead chickens involved? Little explosions? How much did it resemble a Disney movie? Did your husband literally dislike EVERY other woman? Like, he came home every day and bitched about his super-supportive boss and sainted mother? Is this a “be careful what you wish for”, The Monkey’s Paw-style tale where the woman learns that being married to a misogynist isn’t so hot either? Or a chilling story where we realize at the end that the protagonist is EVIL and actually enjoys the fact that she can now pay to mind-rape her husband at will? Does it turn out that Dr. Tebe and the husband are in cahoots for some complicated reason?

      What happens next in the plot?!

      --Juniper

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  34. Hi Gerrald (may I call you ‘Gerrald’?) I’m just wanted to say how happy I am for you, you seem to be doubly blessed. I’m assuming your husband is a man, like yourself, so you must be living in a country that recognises same-sex marriage and hopefully have all the equal rights that go along with that. But if that’s not lucky enough, you found the magical Dr Tebe who came up with a potion to stop your husband’s bi-sexual tendencies and turn him into a misogynist, disliking all women on earth. That’s quite an achievement, and the humiliating control you now have over your husband’s agency must be quite a thrill for you, I imagine. Yes, I’m convinced and I want some of that! Anyone who lives in a Spell Temple on the internet must be cast-iron-solid trustworthy, and I’m off to the website straight away! Thank you so much for telling me about this Gerrald. I hope you and your husband live happily ever after :-)

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  35. Does anybody know the name of the Break-Up-Fast article? I really want to find the whole thing (for hilarity and sharing, not ideas...).

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